I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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