You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
