Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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