i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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