I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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