WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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