the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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