Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
