I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
