when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
