Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
