Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you will always have a special place in my vag
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
