There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
