At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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