Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
