so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
