great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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