She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize