my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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