Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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