I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
