so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We need to get me chipped asap
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
