I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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