So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
