I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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