You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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