I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
