Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
