this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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