I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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