i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
