"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
