I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
