I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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