they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
