I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
