if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
