Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
