see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize