just tell him i said nine months
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
