god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
