My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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