but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
