I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
