I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
