We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
