i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
