I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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