U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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