If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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