In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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