so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
