My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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