Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
