I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
