I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
