textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
