This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
