I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
